Beyond the Hunger: What I learned from My Mom and Teach My Kids About Our True Identity

"I’m Hungry" - As a child, one of the most annoying things my mother would do is respond to the statement, "I’m hungry," with an almost reflexive retort of "nice to meet you hungry." When it comes to the use of the English language, my mother is in a class of her own, and she certainly never wasted an opportunity to simultaneously shift our behavior while providing a literal lesson.

Naturally, when I became a dad, I did the exact same thing, much to the chagrin of my two amazing children.

It was important to me, as it was to my mother, for my children to know from an early age that you are not what you are experiencing, but what you are experiencing is because of who you are. You are not hungry; you are human, and because you are human, you are experiencing hunger. Everything in creation needs fuel to survive, and you are no different in that way from all of the created things.

This separating of the human experience from our identity as human may on the surface feel like a semantic exercise, but once I pushed past this annoyance as an adolescent, it revealed a powerful truth. If our experience defines us, then we will always be defined by what is happening to us.

A lot has happened to me over the course of my life, and the more time I spend with other humans, it’s clear that I’m not alone, and that life is indeed undefeated. Or as the expression goes, "life be lifing."

The Unyielding Tide of Experience

"Life be lifing" is a raw, almost poetic way of saying that the world keeps turning, and it often brings with it a relentless stream of challenges, joys, heartbreaks, and triumphs. If my identity, if our identity, were merely a reflection of these external happenings, we’d be adrift, tossed about by every wave. Imagine a ship whose very nature changed with every storm it weathered; it would lose its integrity, its purpose, its very essence. Our experiences, like the weather at sea, are constantly in flux. The sun shines, storms rage, and calm seas prevail, but the ship remains a ship. Similarly, our inherent humanness remains constant, regardless of the turbulent or tranquil waters we navigate.

This isn’t to say that experiences don’t shape us. Of course, they do. A person who has faced adversity often develops resilience, empathy, and a deeper understanding of the human condition. Someone who has known profound joy carries that light within them, perhaps even radiating it to others. But these are lessons learned and qualities cultivated, not fundamental shifts in who we are. The resilience is within the human, the empathy developed by the human. The experience itself is not the definition; it’s the catalyst for growth, the forge in which new aspects of our character are tempered.

This fundamental distinction is key, especially when we confront the pervasive habit of defining ourselves and others by fleeting states or past events. To delve deeper into dismantling these harmful labels and unlock the power of separating identity from experience, subscribe for the complete insight and invitations to reflections to help make this transformative work a part of your daily life.